Friday, September 7, 2007

Envy and complacency

I think all my life I have been complacent. Not that I didn't strive to excel. I did. I did.

Though I wouldn't call my life a walk in the park, it has not been hard either. It seems like everything worked on their own, studying from preschool to high school, getting in and finishing in the country's premier university, being a topnotcher in the board exam and getting work easily.

In all those years, it has been my determination to excel (for myself) and divine help that has got me through. And now, it seems my determination has gone. As if I no longer care whether I excel or not, whether I turn in mediocre work or the best work. I just want to get through everything.

I don't hate my life. I'm just bored with it.

But I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I think I have become too complacent with my life, have been used to things working out for me, have been accustomed to expecting the best (or at least good) things life has to offer.

At this time, many of my college batchmates are either in other countries (working there and getting paid a lot more money than what I receive), on their way to other countries (to work there and get paid a lot more money than what I receive), or are working here in the Philippines (and still getting a lot more money than what I receive). Am I envious of their life? I guess so.

Of course, hearing good news about a friend is always good. But when that good news is about something better than what you have, at the back of your mind you envy them. And I do envy them... a little.

Most of my life I have not measured how my life fared by comparing it to other people. I was mostly satisfied with what I get, with what I receive, with how I live. But then again, I have gotten and received things or lived better than others. And now, with people I know getting more than what I do and living better than I do, that makes things a little bit difficult for me and that somehow I am envious.

I guess these things that enters my mind and makes me depressed started a year or so ago. I was tired with work (not just physically but mentally, but then the mind makes my body tired). I couldn't/wouldn't want to go to work.

About two or three months ago, I met my college friends for the christening of the child of another friend. I think all of the guys and gals not in audit have their own car. Poor us who stayed in audit. We have to hitch rides.

Then, about two months ago, I learned that one of my bestfriends is going to London to work! I never expected that. I have always thought he'd stay and that he'd be a sure partner in our firm. Then, my bestfriend, whom I have always thought would stay as long as I am here in the Philippines, also announced that she'd be going to Jersey (Channel Islands) to work. Ok, it is understandable that people, auditors, would want to work abroad due to the great disparity in compensation. But I never expected that they'd move on while I'll be left behind.

Of course all this moving on found me in a flurry to apply abroad. I want to work abroad, not necessarily with them. But just so I won't be left behind. Alas, at the time I was desperate to go abroad, it was too late. Most of the accounting firms abroad have already found who they want to hire for the year. I will be left behind.

And yes, being left behind, when I was ahead of them at the start, is really depressing.

Ramblings on life

Ok, so I'm really bored with my life.

I wake up every morning (at least it's in the morning these days), watch some tv, then decide whether to go to work or not (except when I am forced to, like when I have a meeting with client), then take a shower, dress then endure the heat to go to work.

Then sometime at noon, I have to eat lunch then go back to work after.

Well, sometimes I don't do work, just search the sites that are not restricted by our IT group.

After office hours, I go to the apartment I rent, watch tv and/or watch some DVD. Most of the times, it would be either "Friends", which maybe I have seen several times, or a foreign language film (or an unknown English film or cult favorite).

Then, at around 10pm to 12mn, I have to go to sleep, either out of sleepiness or because I have to go to work early the following day.

And so my life goes......

I never expected my life to be like this. But, I never expected anything out of my life. Not that I don't care or value my life, it's just that I didn't plan ahead. Or I didn't have specific plans of what my life would be.

When I was in high school, I didn't know what to take up in college or where to go in college. That decision came only when I was in fourth year and the UP entrance exam was coming up.

Then in college, I didn't know where to work after passing the CPA entrance exam. I didn't even take into account the board exam at that time. Hmmm, well, I did want to go to Unilever or Procter&Gamble. But then, who didn't? I guess every guy and gal back in my college wanted to work there. Who wouldn't? They were there for every college event with CBA graduates flaunting (or at least sharing) good stories about their company. And then, you'd hear about how much you'd make when you work in those two companies. For a college student who lives on approximately P1500 per month, that would be a big step! But then again, working in those two companies are reserved for those who have shown leadership or "leadership" while in college. But then again, nevermind.

I decided to work in an auditing firm when I was reviewing for the board exam. I decided to work in a specific auditing firm after passing the exam. Three and a half years later, I am still here, in the auditing firm I chose.

I would like to say that I am here by choice - that I like the friendly atmostphere here, that working here is learning and that the pay is not that bad. The friendly atmosphere I guess is correct, people are cordial to each other and most people know your name. It is ironic, however, that I have made few friends (or at least friends who I care about or who cares about me, other than in the normal polite and curious way).

The learning stuff is true. I learn a lot of things here. Things about how companies work, etc. etc.

As for the pay, I guess it's not that bad. But I could get better. I was offered a position (accounting manager) by one of my clients for approximately twice what I earn now. I turned it down, saying that I like audit work and I may not be efficient doing other things. That is somehow true. But imagine how easier my financial life would have been.

I am burning down. Yes, burning down not burning up. It's worse than burning up. At least when you burn up you burn in a grand manner. Like a firework suddenly exploding in a profusion of colors. People watch and admire.

It seems like I'm burning in a way a candle is slowly being put out by the melted wax accumulating near the top, where the wax drowns out the wick that holds the fire. Slowly, and ever slowly, the fire dies down. People don't notice. They will not notice nor appreciate the slow dimming of the light. They won't know until all the fire's died down.