I think all my life I have been complacent. Not that I didn't strive to excel. I did. I did.
Though I wouldn't call my life a walk in the park, it has not been hard either. It seems like everything worked on their own, studying from preschool to high school, getting in and finishing in the country's premier university, being a topnotcher in the board exam and getting work easily.
In all those years, it has been my determination to excel (for myself) and divine help that has got me through. And now, it seems my determination has gone. As if I no longer care whether I excel or not, whether I turn in mediocre work or the best work. I just want to get through everything.
I don't hate my life. I'm just bored with it.
But I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I think I have become too complacent with my life, have been used to things working out for me, have been accustomed to expecting the best (or at least good) things life has to offer.
At this time, many of my college batchmates are either in other countries (working there and getting paid a lot more money than what I receive), on their way to other countries (to work there and get paid a lot more money than what I receive), or are working here in the Philippines (and still getting a lot more money than what I receive). Am I envious of their life? I guess so.
Of course, hearing good news about a friend is always good. But when that good news is about something better than what you have, at the back of your mind you envy them. And I do envy them... a little.
Most of my life I have not measured how my life fared by comparing it to other people. I was mostly satisfied with what I get, with what I receive, with how I live. But then again, I have gotten and received things or lived better than others. And now, with people I know getting more than what I do and living better than I do, that makes things a little bit difficult for me and that somehow I am envious.
I guess these things that enters my mind and makes me depressed started a year or so ago. I was tired with work (not just physically but mentally, but then the mind makes my body tired). I couldn't/wouldn't want to go to work.
About two or three months ago, I met my college friends for the christening of the child of another friend. I think all of the guys and gals not in audit have their own car. Poor us who stayed in audit. We have to hitch rides.
Then, about two months ago, I learned that one of my bestfriends is going to London to work! I never expected that. I have always thought he'd stay and that he'd be a sure partner in our firm. Then, my bestfriend, whom I have always thought would stay as long as I am here in the Philippines, also announced that she'd be going to Jersey (Channel Islands) to work. Ok, it is understandable that people, auditors, would want to work abroad due to the great disparity in compensation. But I never expected that they'd move on while I'll be left behind.
Of course all this moving on found me in a flurry to apply abroad. I want to work abroad, not necessarily with them. But just so I won't be left behind. Alas, at the time I was desperate to go abroad, it was too late. Most of the accounting firms abroad have already found who they want to hire for the year. I will be left behind.
And yes, being left behind, when I was ahead of them at the start, is really depressing.
About last night
5 weeks ago